[Triggs] Why Otakus Make Better Lovers by Triggs
January 9, 2008, 10:58 am
Filed under: Anime

Disclaimer: This article was adapted from here: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/66795671.html

If it looks similar to this one: http://www.riuva.com/?p=552 it’s because we were inspired by the same source. I only found out about the latter about one hour into typing this article. Still, if tj_han wants royalties I’d be more than willing to pay them.

This article contains potentially volatile reading material capable of starting a massive flame war. Should you choose to continue, please read with an open mind. If you are incapable of doing so (especially if you play rugby), kindly stop reading and go surf up some porn or Naruto.

Ok, here’s the deal see. New year, new school, new classmates, new chicks to check out. Cool ain’t it? Not really, especially if those chicks aren’t interested in you. They’d much rather go for the rugby dude sitting in the other row. Ok, to be fair he’s tall, well-built, tanned, good looking, and has that gold medal the school rugby team won last month. You, on the other hand have a souped up gaming rig stocked with an 8800GTX, an Asus SLI mobo, and the world’s most complete Gundam collection. Not a very hard choice is it?

Here’s a short list of why you should give some thought into choosing the otaku over the rugby dude.

1. Otakuism is an escapist hobby, with otakus oft engaged in private conversations about girls with big swords, girls with even bigger boobs, dungeons, dragons, and big unrealistic robots while the world flies by behind them, at times stopping for a second to give a bewildered stare. As such otakus live in their own world; an ideal world where everyone is nice to each other, right down to the letter. Furthermore, there’s moe-ism and there’s plain respect and admiration. Otakus tend to take on qualities of their favorite anime male leads and aspire to be like them, these qualities usually exclude one-night-stands and playing a girl just for the fun of it. Thus, lack of heartbreaks guaranteed. Need someone who’s seemingly cold on the exterior but is actually warm hearted, look up any Kenshin fan. Looking for someone who’s shy and soft-spoken but can be riled into action over righteousness, get yourself a Kira Yamato fan. Want someone jovial and cheerful always, Cho Hakkai fans to the rescue.

2. More often than not, they’re wizards of the computer. Despite being rallied into two separate warring factions called “Windows” and “Mac”, most of them can tame any electronic brain before you can say ‘Bill Gates’ or ‘Steve Jobs’. They’re also your friendly Bittorrent experts, on call 24/7. Need that latest 50 Cent album but can’t afford to fork out the cash? Give them a ring and they’d have it in an 8 GB Flashdrive within 12 hours. Ask the rugby dude for help and you’ll end up with “Uh…Bittorrent? Does that have anything to do with the waves? And what’s that big orange globe with stripes on it?”

3. They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. I mean, flying your picture in his forum signature in the several dozen otaku forums he subscribes to; writing an entire article about you and placing it in his blog; placing you in his hall of fame alongside Rei Ayanami and Haruhi Suzumiya; sure beats flowers, movie, then dinner. And let’s not even go to the pillow case with Kasumi printed onto it. Now take some time to close your eyes and imagine when he places his head in your bosom every night before he goes to bed…

4. Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. Tall, short, fat, skinny, short hair, long hair; hell there are even muscular ones. How the heck do you expect them to cosplay Dante, or Sanosuke?

5. They’ve got a decent amount of IQ points. How’d you expect them to understand all the twists and plot devices in Neon Genesis Evangelion? Let alone write an entire philosophical commentary on it.

6. They’re good at dates. Stems from the practice of “Sundays: Gundam 00, Shakugan no Shana Second. Wednesdays: Tsubasa Manga. First Monday of the month: Shonen Jump etc…”

7. Sex. Alright, I’m going to stand up for all neglected persons now, not just otakus. Nerds will probably know more about your anatomy, menstrual cycle, and hormone control than you. The more dedicated ones have memorized the Kama Sutra. Geeks will disable their 7 layers of encryption and proudly show you their 120 GB of porn, and then assure you they know what they’re doing, pointing at another 10 GB of instructional videos. Otakus…well…Two words: Eroge, Hentai. He’s got no experience by far, but he’s watched Bible Black and It’s a Family Affair 10 times over. Plus he’s finished Fate/Stay Night and School Days. Surely that’s going to count for something…

8. They’re low maintenance. Most are fueled by Mountain Dew and Pizza. And even if they do go out for a meal, they’d usually pick a highly value-for-money place because they’re saving up for another pre-order figurine.

9. Most frequent bars as often as Konata studies, so you won’t have to worry about him hooking up with a hot girl he found at the bar. And even if he does see a hot chick, this is a common scene:

Rugby dude: Check out that chick!

Otaku: Oh yeah…

Rugby dude: She’s hot.

Otaku: Oh yeah…

Rugby dude: Can’t wait to bang her.

Otaku: Oh yeah…

Rugby dude: You’re not even looking at her!

Otaku: Oh yeah… *Staring at the new Master Grade Exia Gundam in stores*

Furthermore, look at the numerous harem eroges on the market; the male lead has many options, but only chooses one. He’s not a marine but Semper Fidelis is his motto. And if he played School Days, his loyalty is guaranteed.

10. He might not want to go everywhere with you, but compromise. You choose one place for a date and he chooses the next. Go for his Cosfest and then you get to suggest somewhere to go. Sure, it might sound retarded wearing some weird dress, hugging a mutant chinchilla and introducing yourself as “Sakura” while other rabid otakus surround you with bazooka cameras and fire at will (then again, this is movie star treatment. You sure you don’t wanna…?) but spare a thought for him, the music they play at Zouk Out does not go well with Hare Hare Yukai or Motteke Sailor Fuku. And even if he doesn’t want to go out with you, you can probably deduce that he’s a little behind time on his anime and needs desperately to catch up with the other forummers in ranting about that latest episode of Gundam.

11. Birds of a feather flock together. His friends are all probably otakus as well, and they probably never seen a girl up close for a good half of their lives (other than mothers, aunts and sisters). You’ll be treated with respect and admiration usually reserved for all-time classics like Neon Genesis Evangelion, Ghost in the Shell, and Last Exile, instead of the usual “Hey momma shake that thing fer me…” I mean, this girlfriend this might be contagious! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, crank up the Bittorrent, get your hands on some anime and you’re all set. Preferably pick something that induces conversation. Elfen Lied and Clannad are good examples. Naruto and Bleach are not. You don’t even have to be an expert in anime, just be able to tell the difference between a Gundam, an Eva, a Zoid, a Knightmare, a Gurren, and a Power Ranger Megazord and you’ll do great! Nothing impresses them more than a girl who knows her mechs (except maybe a girl who reads ecchi doujins. Well, an otaku can dream, can’t he?)

12. They’re not possessive. They don’t really give a damn about you dolling up (unless you’re going for a Cosfest). You walking around in a T-Shirt and shorts isn’t going to blow any holes, unless it’s a Naruto or Bleach T-shirt. Besides, he’s used to having only Konata for company with him, so you’ll probably have an easier time than your friends when you arrange a girls’ night out. Listen to them whine and bitch about their men being possessive and then tell them about your guy and see them go green with envy.

13. They’re well-educated (see #5). A broadband line fast enough to download massive amounts of anime isn’t cheap. Neither is an external hard drive. Besides, go onto IRC and check it out, the denizens of #anime or #manga are usually all O/A-level graduands, IB Diploma holders, or university graduates. There’s even a physics major or a PHD holder lurking around. The denizens of #rockmusic or #MTV usually end up working at Burger King or McDonalds.

14. They actually bother to honor the rules of good common English. Proper speech, spelling and grammar, even in SMSes. You’ll never see them say “Yo wazzup dawg!” or type “I lUuUuUuUvVvVeEeEe eUuUuUuUuUu mUaCkKkKzZzZz!” unless in jest (like now).

15. The final reason why otakus make better lovers is because they are attracted to you simply because you’re you. You’re never going to have as big assets as Kasumi; even Bill Gates won’t be able to pay for liposuction needed for you to squeeze into Rei Ayanami’s plug suit; not even hanging yourself on a cross, or sitting under a tree will be able to get you a fan club, let alone a religion like Haruhi. They like you for being you, who you are exactly. Not your humps, butt, legs, or dolled-up face. Due to their lack of opportunities, otakus will cherish and treasure you much more than any other guy. Just like how the rich guys in the US of A waste food while the poor starved peoples of the Kalahari desert lap up every grain of rice.

So what are you waiting for? Get an otaku boyfriend today!

4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Why would I claim royalties for something I didn’t write? Anyway, I will write an article on why otaku sucks at dating. HAHA.

Comment by tj han

Let me clarify: the Kasumi pillow described in point number 3 is actually mine. Yes, my head does rest against her heavenly bosoms when I rest at night, and thus I get a good night’s rest.

Furthermore, while I do not have a Rei Ayanami figuring, I do have an Asuka right beside my Haruhi.

Comment by yamibakeru

Well, at first I quite agree that otaku really make a good bf, But my bf (who is an otaku in anime and model maker) broke up with me with one of the reason (which he said not the main reason) that he likes another girl. One of the reason is still a reason. So tell me does otaku really make a better lover? Really hurtful and hard to overcome.

Comment by Ee Ling

Well, in my opinion, the otaku is just another kind of guy, and what kind of lover they make is not really influenced by them being otaku. Personally, I feel that ultimately it boils down to their character. I mean they might fantasize or dream up some situations commonly found in some anime or manga or whatever, of you and himself, but that’s all right? Correct me if I’m wrong.

Comment by Syncet

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